Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in mizmidnight's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, March 31st, 2009
10:57 pm	just a coupla cats hangin' out. so. where was i? this is as much as existential question as anything, i think. fortunately, i have a good therapist. i feel as though my body is shrieking for mercy. from what, i'm not sure. since January -- since school started, i've been diagnosed with acid reflux, had the flu, had pneumonia, had bronchitis, and now i have a sinus infection. oddly enough -- and this seems to be something i need to say out loud, so i'm going to -- i feel very good about my decision to go to the doctor today. i am in rather serious trouble at work because of my absences. it is a difficult situation for them -- i get the feeling, at least on a couple of parts, that they would like to fire me. technically, they do have cause, because i am now at leave without pay status because i've burned up all my leave. however, they have a student population going through the roof, difficulty getting teachers, and i am fairly good at what i do most days, and when i try to look at it from the admin side -- i'm a draw for the students. this is, to some degree, because they think i'm easy. i know this, and i'm okay with it. i don't teach the way other people do, and if this makes them perceive me as easy -- it makes me squirm a little, but i'm okay with it. when the fact that i am fairly good at what i do and i am a student draw -- that makes it difficult to come down on the side of firing me, i think. (although certainly not impossible) i find -- after initially being floored that they would threaten me with termination -- i said i expected it before, but i didn't -- that i am becoming less and less attached to whether they keep me. my health has to come first, and if my perception of how other people see me doing my job is ruling what i'm doing -- then i'm not doing the things i should be doing. for myself. it is difficult to do anything for myself. it is difficult to break out of views that i have been with my entire life. for instance, i have been told that i "probably shouldn't go to the doctor yet" numerous times, and it was implied that i was wasting money. i decided i was going to go today, and come to find out -- i do have a sinus infection. i got a shot, 10 days of an antibiotic, a medrol dose pack, and some extremely strong pain pills that i think i won't take. i can't quite articulate why, but it is important to me that i made that decision to go to the doctor today. i am not desperately ill, but i don't feel well, and i don't have to feel that way. i did something for me. and that's a good thing. ...and now, before i go to bed, i have written this out, which is a good thing, and difficult, too. Current Mood: contemplative (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, January 19th, 2009
10:08 pm	well, ring in the new year one must... a couple of good books: An Arsonist's Guide to Writer's Homes in New England. Nation -- Terry Pratchett some others will come to me. my grandmother hangs in, and we are cautiously optimistic. i thought i was going to say more, but now i find that i am not. school starts tomorrow. Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 21st, 2008
12:11 am	it's a slow, strange evening here at the casa... when i check the mail, i usually do it late. i walked out, hoping it would be a bit cooler, and met the mother of the charming child who had come up the stairs a few weeks ago to let me know that she was having her birthday party on this day and hoped she and her friends wouldn't disturb me. during the party, she brought me up a plate of things i mostly did not eat, but i very much appreciated the sentiment. i told her mother (after figuring out that this is who she was) that i was thoroughly charmed by her child, and the child had clearly been raised well. we then talked about the cat that has taken up residence around here... and i was glad to hear that they have taken it in, pretty much. it is not quite feral -- but for the various immune issues Jinx and Jett have acquired, mostly through Midnight, i'd be afraid to let the cat in. i am delighted to hear that they are taking care of it, and will certainly contribute my share to whatever it is they do. the mother laughed to hear that the cat has not yet decided on me -- it will speak to me, but runs when i get close. since i understand that kind of behavior, i do not worry. i know it will make its decision eventually. if they are going to feed it, which it sounds as if they are, i am not at all averse to buying food, whatever... they seem like good people. i meet so few people that i was perhaps too effusive. oh, well. she was a nice woman, which i should have expected after meeting the daughter. not 15 minutes after i had come up the steps, i heard some ferocious, wild howling... by a person. i was worried that it was the young woman in question from *points up* above... so i pondered, and decided, finally to have a look off of my balcony -- because it sounded to be a woman in terrific pain. i looked out, and saw a grim looking man with a suitcase by a car in the parking lot. i was fairly reassured that this did not have to do with my girl, and retreated inside... and am still somewhat worried about the woman i did not see -- the one who howled like her heart was breaking. as i suppose it may have been. it is too hot to sleep here yet, so i will probably read... go a wandering through blogs, or something... Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 9th, 2008
11:25 pm	let's see...a list post? today: not so bad. was able to be helpful to several people, which made me feel good. useful. yesterday: we'll not dwell on that. tomorrow: -is the birthday of one of the people i love best in the world -is my appointment with my new counselor. i have tried to wriggle out of this a couple of times, but the people here who i have let know what's going on have refused to let me get out of it, which is probably good. it's a long appointment -- two hours -- i hope that means some good gets done. i didn't get this way in a day, so i know it won't get settled immediately. however, i am going to think positive and believe that tomorrow will be a good start. weather: is nuts. the temp is down to 65 right now. allegedly a terrific cold front is coming in during the night -- complete with lots of storms -- and by this time tomorrow night, we have a 60% chance of snow and sleet. go figure. and global warming doesn't exist? bah. :) did i mention i'm sitting with my upstairs balcony door cracked open to get some air? Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008
10:39 pm	well, stuff. and -- happy birthday, Grandpa. the house was indeed left to go to work today. it was something of a battle, but not as bad as it could have been. in case i have not said, i do have a doctor's appointment on the 10th -- happy birthday, miss d! -- which is fortunate a time frame as any, what with the usual holiday occurrences and other stuff. but today, something else, mostly: had he lived, my grandfather would have been 94 today. i miss my grandfather every day of my life, and more so, recently. i know he would have had good words for me. it is not that i do not have good and wise counsel now; i just miss my grandpa. my grandpa was an outside man. he worked in the oil fields for all of his working life, and i did not know until several years after he died that he had turned down several promotion offers in the course of his career -- essentially because they would have chained him to a desk, and that would have just been a little death every day for him. i have been talking about Grandpa in my classes recently, too. we've been talking about gender roles -- what are traditional gender roles, how are gender roles evolving, that kind of thing. the gender role discussion has been new for me this semester, and i've piggybacked off of it because it has worked so well for one of my colleagues. i'm fascinated with some of the responses the students come up with. i teach a lot of high school students, so there's approximately a 15 year age difference between me and a lot of my students. i live in a rural area now, and i did neglect (i realize as i'm writing) to ask if their mothers worked when they were small. i asked who had been their primary caretaker when they were sick as a child, and almost to a person, it had been a mother. my mother did it when she came home at night -- but not during the day, unless i was brushing the hospital door kind of ill. unless i was that sick, my grandpa came to take care of me, and he was amazing. all the more so, looking back... he basically never stopped wearing his oilfield khakis. i think he probably wore a hard hat in the field, but when the field was next to his youngest granddaughter's bed -- his Cincinnati Reds baseball cap was ever present. when i was in the second grade or so, i had a wicked flu. my mother stayed the first day or two, because i slept for about 36 hours straight (i don't remember this; i was told). once i was up -- but still not so well, Grandpa got in his 1972 blue Chevy truck and came on up. i think about the feeling of security i had then, and wish i still had it. the thought of my all pink room makes me laugh now -- but the thought of my grandpa in what had to be an uncomfortable folding chair at the end of the bed does not. his voice was a fairly deep bass: "well, hi, honey... how you feelin? brought some doughnuts if you want 'em.." i think i was too sleepy for the doughnuts, but he offered me some of "Grandpa's medicine" -- peppermints, which i was only too happy to have to go to sleep to. funny: this afternoon after work, i went to Taco Bell. for the first time that i can remember, there were peppermints in the bag when i got it in the take out line. i know he's keeping up with me. smile happy birthday, Grandpa -- keep that side in line... Current Mood: nostalgic (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 1st, 2008
9:21 pm	and so it goes. the struggle goes on. i was basically unable to leave the house today. i made it out for my class tonight -- but not for the earlier ones. i do have a doctor's appointment, and medicine that's supposed to help until i get there. i swear, though, i get sick of myself sometimes. i wonder how hard it can be to leave the house. i mean, really? excuse me while i beat the same drum -- but anxiety IS more than "just" nervousness. it's crippling. tomorrow i will go to work. and i will report back here to myself that i have done it. so i can see progress. you know? Current Mood: irritated (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 29th, 2008
5:41 pm	sometimes the words escape me. i did not know if i would be able to write about yesterday's vet visit. first, let me say this and get it out of the way: Midnight did come home. thank God. it was, however, a very near thing. i did fine at the vet until it came down to decision time, and i fell apart. totally and completely. fortunately, i had the presence of mind to ask for data -- in this case, lab work. it turns out that almost everything the vet had expected to be impaired or not working, considering his various illnesses -- it worked fine, bless him. the only thing unexpected that was his glucose level. a normal glucose/sugar level for a cat is between 70-160. Midnight's was 460. to borrow a pithy phrase from a friend, when i saw that, i lost my shit. however, the vet explained (in a hurry, thankfully) that cats, like people, have a stress reaction -- and this shows up in cats as a high sugar level. she -- vet -- said she was usually prepared to see it as high as 400, depending on the temperament of the cat. laughing out loud in that case, i'm surprised it wasn't twice as high. anyway, she did several other tests to try to figure out if it was a stress reaction since the number was a little higher than she was comfortable with. the tests, the name of which escape me at the moment, all indicated stress rather than diabetes. another bullet dodged, and Midnight is home again. talk about thanksgiving. smile miss d -- leukemia in cats is not the same as with people. i am honestly at a loss as to how it works, but he shows none of the signs that would be expected in a cat with active disease. the big danger at this point (forgive me if i'm repeating myself?) was to the younger ones, as this is contagious. their tests were clear, thankfully. they spent a month with him over the last holiday season, and have been here for short visits all through the year. pretty much, if they were going to be ill, it would have shown up already, from what i understand. they are not ill at all, but they will be staying here for a bit, as they'll be getting a series of booster shots over the next six weeks or so to ensure that they stay well. i could find someone where i live to do it -- but since i like this vet, and she's familiar with the situation, i talked with the parents, and we decided it would be best for them to stay here and get the shots. my little brood is all good. not well, but good. and that is good enough. you know? Current Mood: thankful (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 25th, 2008
9:02 pm	and then we came to the... what? i don't know. well. yesterday was. it just was. i have reluctantly acknowledged for years that my father does not convey important messages. he has some sort of filter -- probably beer-induced, unfortunately -- that makes him decide what is "important" and then mentally tosses the rest. this time, it affects my oldest cat -- and you will know how this affects me. a year and a half ago (i know this because i spoke to the vet last night myself) -- my parents were considering taking in a stray that had been showing up to be fed. sweet little guy, looked partly Himalayan. anyway, he was riddled with disease when they took him into the vet. you name it, he had it. if he wasn't hurting, he was going to be, so they ended up putting him down. because this cat was riddled with pretty much everything known to man or beast, the vet's office said to bring every other cat in the house for testing. i did not have Jinx and Jett at the time, so this was Midnight, and my father's outside cat, Sunshine. (yep) Sunshine was riddled with it too, unfortunately, and was already suffering, so they did what they had to. what i did NOT realize is that when they tested Midnight, the tests for FIV (essentially cat AIDS) and FeLV (feline leukemia) came back positive. the FIV, according to the vet, is less worrisome, because he shows no signs of active disease, and it's an antibody test so (and be warned, i only partially understand what i'm saying here) -- what the test *could be showing* is that he was exposed to the virus at some point, and his body developed antibodies for it. the leukemia is dangerous. Midnight is an old cat, relatively speaking. he turned 9 in September. i had understood that Midnight's leukemia test was a false positive. this vet told me she had never seen a false positive. on top of this, the kicker is that cats *usually* live 2-3 years after diagnosis. Midnight is at a year and a half. he's beat the odds all his life, and i hope to God he's going to do it again. however: this means a few things. Jinx and Jett could be in danger. i don't think they are -- they're just too healthy. Jinx has an ear problem that i think is probably continuing, but it seems to be mild. after one horrific episode last year (which we think was a reaction to medicine), he shows only mild signs of still being bothered by it. he loses his balance occasionally on a jump, which i'm told is one of the symptoms. Jett, other than being a little fried in the head -- which i suspect is from abuse as a young kitten before i had him... is fine. but because of what we now understand about Midnight, all three of them have to be tested again. wish us luck for Friday. we're taking all three of them into the vet, which is going to take my parents and me to do. wish us luck. wish them luck. my cats are so much of my lifeline -- i'm not ready to find out what it's like without them. *posts before i lose my nerve* Current Mood: distressed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 23rd, 2008
10:01 pm	feeling the fear and doing it anyway (which if memory serves, is the title of some book?) anyway, i did manage to get out this afternoon. i did nearly talk myself out of it, but fortunately that didn't work. the guy i spent the afternoon with is someone i work with, and i think he and i have something of the same troubles. i think i am more *comfortable* in my aloneness than he is most of the time... but i managed to keep at the forefront of my mind a couple of things: -this guy is a friend, and has been so for/to me from the beginning (this is important when the anxiety/phobic in me wants to feel a threat.) -there was no threat here -he needed the company as much as i needed to get out, i think. so, i went, and we watched Clerks, which was funnier than i remembered it being -- it's been 5 or more years since the last time i saw it, i think. we also watched Kung Fu Panda -- and i was not as happy as i might have liked to be with it. i thought it would have been better as a 12-15 minute short (in fact, i thought it would have been outstanding as that) -- but it lasted an hour and a half. i'll have to think about what bothered me about it. we also ate chili that my friend cooked. i am glad he cooks, for i do not, and it was nice to have something different. i am not yet ready to have people in my house, and i think he understands that, so that's good. we have tentatively planned another movie afternoon/evening a few weeks from now. i just have to stick to it. i know that it was good for me. i just may have to be reminded. Current Mood: okay (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 22nd, 2008
9:58 pm	i resent my own fear. i have been asked to leave the house tomorrow to visit a friend. the idea makes my throat close, and i hate that. and i don't understand it, either. i was reading something today where someone said that chronic anxiety could be crippling if it wasn't dealt with properly, and a response disbelieved that. it's true, unfortunately. when i took the MMPI *mumble* years ago now -- i finally understood i was in some trouble when i looked at the chart printout of the results. it's funny that that's what me, the not numbers girl, understand -- but i'm enough of an academic to realize and understand some form of proof on paper. there is such a thing as clinical anxiety. my score for that was nearly off the charts. i have come to understand that to some degree, this goes in cycles for me. it is tied in, among other things to the changing of seasons and the ineffectiveness of medicine after a time. i am now dealing with both, and i'm frustrated. i'm trying to figure out how to get out of the house tomorrow and not disappoint myself or my friend. looking at this in print, it is stupid that it is this hard. but it is. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 20th, 2008
9:56 pm	here, kitty kitty kitty.... so, the effort to make something productive, if not positive (hey, one step at a time) of my life continues. i walked out to the mailbox here at the complex about an hour ago. i saw three cats around the dumpster that i haven't seen before (and we usually have a fairly consistent wild cat population around here...) it looks like someone may have had kittens. it got me wondering about feral cat traps and what the process was for that. if i keep seeing them around, i think i am going to try to find out just what the process is. i'm just grateful that someone else picked my cats up and rescued them at some point. i'd like to try to help someone else -- even if it's just stabilizing the cat population around here. had an interesting talk the other day with a woman who explained what the value of a stable cat population is to a place. if you cart the wild cats out, it just moves more cats in. if you spay/neuter/vaccinate the wild cats and bring them back to the same spot, they are territorial, and it keeps new cats from moving in. interesting stuff. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 18th, 2008
10:41 pm	the practice of writing. it's funny -- the same things i try to instill in the people i teach are very difficult for me to do, especially now. i am making myself to it because i know that it is good for me, and it has worked -- or helped, anyway, in the past. being this open about the depression -- and for once, mostly with the right people -- is good for me, i think. i am not entirely comfortable with it on one hand; however, it seems to be good that the people who care about me without reservation know. it is difficult for me to a)take care of myself and b) let myself be taken care OF by the people that love me. i know that this depression goes in cycles for me, and i know a simple medicine change will probably do a lot to help me. but i have to help me, too. ---------- Jinx and Jett just shredded my shower curtain. i'm sort of surprised they haven't done so before. it's going to make it a little difficult to shower without soaking the bathroom in the morning, but hey -- they had fun. i have just finished reading Ink and Steel by Elizabeth Bear. it's a fascinating take on, among other things, the relationship between Shakespeare and Marlowe. i fear i may have to actually finally read Marlowe now. trying to get my life together after i have neglected it for so long is hard. the only way i can do it is in little pieces. so i try for a piece or two a day. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 17th, 2008
10:23 pm	so. time marches on. i spend so much time at the dentist's that i now call him by his first name and have his cell phone number. this is advantageous when the headaches are so splitting that i can no longer cope, and his office is closed. i have been told to use the number anytime, but i'm not quite advanced enough to do that. did it once, though, and the pain pills help. i'm just talking, because after all, the life i save may be my own. back to basics, it is for me. i had an interesting talk last night with my cousin about the aftermath of suicide, and how survivors cope. (and no, i am NOT going there, thank you) ...and i don't think it *gets* better. not really. i think that's a dangerous assumption to make. i think people who survive just learn to manage things in a new way. because they have to. we have to. which makes it sound like my current problem has something to do with Eric, which it does not, other than the inevitable wishing he was still around. i just don't know what to do with myself -- and sometimes the tension gets to be a little much. that's all. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 15th, 2008
7:38 pm	i don't know what to say. i am as depressed as i have been in years. i feel utterly incapable of managing my life. i don't know what to do. (Comment on this)
Friday, April 18th, 2008
10:32 pm	while these are not technically my cats, they might as well be. see more crazy cat pics Current Mood: really laughing (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 13th, 2008
9:38 pm	those amazin' internets... so -- i have gotten into playing scrabulous on facebook. i am pretty bad at it. this is not idle wording; i really do suck. *lol* but i enjoy it... and i'm getting a tiny bit better, a tiny bit at a time... and now my father is on facebook... so he can play scrabulous with me... and probably my aunt. *snort* who'da thunk it? Current Mood: floored (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 12th, 2008
11:52 pm	randomness. J&J are asleep on the futon, looking for all the world like mirror images. they also look like sweethearts. this is a remarkable phenomenon that happens when they're sleeping. may i just say that this afternoon i finally used the inhaler i was given on Thursday -- much in a resigned "why not? one more thing that probably won't do much." faint i'd buy stock in the stuff if i could. if it works that well twice, i just might. people, i could *breathe* -- i didn't realize how much i was not breathing before -- or how well i was not breathing before, or whatever that specific is supposed to be. but wow. the house cleaning progress is slow. but it does progress. i thought i was playing scrabble with my aunt on facebook. today, i come to find out that since about the third word, i've been playing with my father. it is no *wonder* i'm getting whipped. well, i'm getting whipped at all my scrabble games... it gives me some small comfort to know he's cheating. grin (Comment on this)
Friday, April 11th, 2008
10:41 pm	here at casa nasty... ...there is going to be a house cleaning tomorrow that will probably resemble a reckoning. good lord. i have not ever seen so much cat fur (other than on a cat) in all of my life, i think. and yes, to be honest -- going to the doctor on Thursday afternoon and leaving with an inhaler is probably part of it, too. said doctor thinks (and i think he's probably right) that i have allergy-induced asthma, or something like it. i've had a couple of episodes of shortness of breath lately -- not enough to make me pass out, but enough to make me lightheaded. i *did*, in a burst of proactiveness (and it helped that i had an appointment) talk to my psychiatrist about whether the shortness of breath could be panic attack related. i described the symptoms to her in some detail at her request, and her verdict was "not panic related." a doctor is succinct with me so rarely that i really like it when they are. and she was. she suggested i see my primary care person...which i have only obtained recently with great mumbling and grumbling, but that is beside the point. i told her i had already made an appointment earlier in the day based on the shortness of breath episode at my desk that morning that made me lightheaded. she approved. fortunately, i remembered before i went to the doctor on Thursday that this had happened in much the same way about 5 or 6 years ago, in April. i was short of breath several times over a week or two -- went to the doctor, ended up with an inhaler for about two months, and then didn't really have a problem again. if using an inhaler for two or three months is all it takes, i'm all about that. what's one more thing at this point, especially if it helps? when i told the doctor about the previous experience, he said he thought that the allergy/asthma/whatever issue was probably self-limiting, which i took to mean that by the time i finish the sample inhaler that he gave me, all will be well in the land, and i won't need a prescription. which is excellent. all hail miss red, who successfully defended her thesis today! i am totally proud to know you, miss. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 1st, 2008
1:23 am	insomnia blogging! i bet you couldn't wait. man, this sucks. i know people who have lived like this for years... fortunately, my Ambien usually works. the last two nights, not so much. so, at 1:24am, the cats are wading around my chair, looking at me like, "you jackass, go to bed." i wish... i think i've been up and down four times? i know y'all wanted to know all of this. i'm sure of it. *snicker* ...off to a book... Current Mood: with a splash of irritation (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 9th, 2008
11:31 pm	cry havoc... ...and let slip the cats of war. well, i went away yesterday to my parents so i could attend my grandmother's 90th birthday party today (fabulous party, thanks!) i am uber-restless tonight, and the cats -- after settling down with me -- are now back up with me since i couldn't settle down, and they're tear-assing around the apartment... and i'm wondering what to do. Current Mood: restless (1 Comment |Comment on this)